


Teaching a Pig to Sing

by LadyRachael



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Military Background, Punishment, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24831391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyRachael/pseuds/LadyRachael
Summary: There was a short period of time where the brass attempted to enforce military discipline on one Major Edward Elric, State Alchemist. A very short time.*Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig.*
Comments: 8
Kudos: 114





	Teaching a Pig to Sing

~~One, Kitchen Patrol~~

"Elric, you are in the presence of a superior officer! You must salute from attention, at once!" Lieutenant Colonel Schnieder was turning an interesting shade of red.

Elric looked up from where he was lounging at his desk, pen hanging from his mouth. "Yeah, good luck with that, dude. Did you need something?" 

Schnieder's voice had become shrill, "You will stand up and follow me this instant! Colonel Mustang may allow your constant insubordination, but I won't! I am assigning you to the kitchen for the next three days. Maybe some manual labor can teach one of you alchemy brats the value of hard work."

Elric stood and hooked his hands in his belt, "The kitchens, huh? Yeah, okay." He raised his voice to the door behind him, "Hey Colonel Bastard, they're sending me to the kitchens for a couple'a days. Have Hawkeye get me if something more interesting comes up." He hooked his coat over his chair. "We goin'?"

Schneider consciously unclenched his fists, knowing he's not allowed to punch this punk kid. The brass is always so impressed with alchemy and their circles. He's yet to see an alchemist make something he couldn't with the right tools.

Head Chef Aubriot looked at the kid. This was the Fullmetal Alchemist? He couldn't be more than thirteen. "You any good at cooking, Elric?"

Elric shrugged, "Teacher owned a butcher's with her husband. I helped a bit."

~

Colonel Mustang tapped a pen on the desk, "The kitchen staff formally requests that Major Elric be removed from the KP rota. Despite his exemplary knife skills and reasonable food preparation skills, he is a disruptive influence on the staff. Please find attached personnel requisition forms for two (2) new sous chefs and transfer requests for same." The pen stilled before Riza made him eat it. "Sounds like Edward had fun."

"Yes sir, perhaps he would enjoy a weekend leave at the Hughes'." Riza gave a hint of smile as she gathered up the completed paperwork. Maes and Gracia could hone his skills. 

She tapped the next set of forms. "Lieutenant Colonel Schneider wants to add insubordination to Edward's record. You would have to approve it." 

Mustang held out a hand, "Let me add it to the complaints file." She handed it over to him and he dropped it into a metal bin with 'Complaints' written on the side. She opened the window as he snapped, and a file folder was used to fan the smoke out. They didn't need a repeat of the sprinkler incident. Mustang stood, "The paperwork looks done for today. Shall we go get dinner? We can pick up Edward and his brother on the way." He offered her his arm and they left.

~~Two, Writing Lines~~

Mustang and Hawkeye looked over the classroom. If you started at the wall of chalkboards facing the door, you could visually follow the day's progress. First, he started writing "I will address my superior officers by rank, not pet names" one hundred times. By the midpoint, the handwriting was starting to slip, and alchemical doodles were beginning to appear. At about the three quarters mark, the line read "I will address my superior officers as rank pet names" squished between alchemy circles. Once you reached the final board, there was just one giant circle, carefully labeled and annotated. Mustang tilted his head, "I think it has something to do with paper. See, here, the symbol for wood, and here, I think this is a preset trigger linked in. But why does it stop at deconstruction?"

Hawkeye shook her head. "You know I'm not an alchemist. I want to know what idiot thought giving chalk to an alchemist was a good idea. Are we supposed to have him clean this up?"

Mustang straightened up from where he was sketching the circle in his notebook. "The alchemy professors asked us to leave it, actually. They want to study it."

Riza gave the impression of rolling her eyes without actually changing expression. "Probably a bad idea."

Mustang just nodded.

~~Three, Document Destruction~~

Fuery and Elric were doing something in the corner. Hawkeye knew it was about time to interfere from the way they were giggling over what looked like an old 'Out' tray. Elric clapped and a circle was etched into the bottom and horned skulls decorated the corners. "Cool, now we just need to test it. Go get some documents from the 'destroy' pile." 

Fuery turned towards the bin and jumped when the door slammed open. Lieutenant Colonel Schneider stood there, visibly seething. "Elric, why are you not outside cutting the grass?"

Edward raised an eyebrow, "Because you gave me a pair of sewing scissors, I would have been out there all day. Besides, it's done, each blade is one and a half inches tall and all the weeds are gone. I don't wanna waste my time on pointless shit like that. Oh hey, check this out. Me and Fuery figured out a new way to.. ." Elric held up his tray.

Schneider yanked it from his hands. "Give me that. You are so enamored with destruction, you're coming with me."

Elric shrugged, "Sure. Can Fuery come too?"

He seethed, "No, because unlike you, he seems capable of actually doing his work. And no more of your freaky alchemy shit. We're going to go clear some of the waste paper backlog, _And You Will Not Say A Word For The Rest Of The Day Or I Will Have You Running Laps Until Your Feet Fall Off!_ What is it, Lieutenant Colonel Hawkeye?"

Riza gave a slow blink, "I'm not currently objecting to you appropriating my subordinates, sir, but Elric remains under my command."

Schneider saluted, everyone in the room but Elric saluted, "Understood." He dragged Elric out, still holding the tacky tray he had been playing with.

The waste paper room was just a giant concrete box with benches lining one wall, a chute to the incinerator opposite the door, and the rest of the room filled with bins of paper. The room slowly refilled each day, as copies of sensitive documents were copied, read, and sent to be destroyed. 

Schneider surveyed the other grunts that had been assigned, "You know the drill, boys. Take bin, remove destruction order, initial, file, and toss only the papers down the chute. Do not toss in the bin itself. When that bin is empty, stack it on the bench and get the next one. You will repeat this activity until either the room is empty or I personally dismiss you. Do not attempt to read the papers, anyone caught doing so will be severely punished. Begin!"

Elric threw in with the others, occasionally glancing at him as he worked on his own paperwork. A few hours in, he had dismissed most of the other grunts as Elric kept working. He absently dropped his completed paperwork into the ugly tray Elric had made. There was a blue light and he found himself covered in confetti with his just finished paperwork now missing. 

"Oh hey, it works!" Elric chimed in, ignoring the rage directed his way. Schneider could only make a growling noise as Elric finished the last box and wiped his forehead. "Well, done now. Let me have my tray and I'll report back to Hawkeye." Elric took the tray from his desk and waved as he left the room. 

Schneider was treated for bruised knuckles after punching the wall.

~~Four, Kennel Attendant~~

Edward was sulking. His shredder tray had worked perfectly, and the brass had even liked it! They made him tone down the reaction so it didn't puff outward like that anymore, but that had been the best part. He had sent the original to Hughes so Elicia could make her own confetti. _She_ appreciated his brilliance.

But apparently Schneider was holding a grudge, which was why he was being escorted to the dog kennels. Schneider addressed the M.P. in charge, "Major Elric is assigned here for punishment detail. Give him the worst jobs. He is not to be using alchemy to complete his tasks unless specifically requested. I leave him in your capable hands." Salutes all around, and Schneider huffed off.

Sergeant Major Mark Whippet looked at the kid. Looks like Lieutenant Colonel Schneider had a new whipping boy. Traditionally, the hotshot alchemists were immune to the interdepartmental posturing most of the officers got up to. But Schneider always tried to get in a dick measuring contest with Colonel Mustang and inevitably lost. This kid seemed to be his most recent attempt to knock Mustang down a peg. Probably wouldn't work, Elric had that look in his eye that reminded him of his least/most favorite recruits. They wouldn't just give you respect, regardless of your rank, but once they respected you they would pull off maneuvers that had the brass losing their eyebrows.

He waved Elric through the building and out to the dog runs. "I'll introduce you around, let you meet the dogs, get you started on the cleaning rota. You've probably been forced to do useless cleaning before, mopping up the rain or sweeping the grass. We don't do that shit here. All our dogs are working dogs, and a clean environment is essential to their health. If I have you in the exercise field picking up dog shit, you go pick up that dog shit. If you ever see blood or vomit, you are to immediately find one of the veterinarians and bring the last three dogs to separate rooms to be checked." Elric nodded sharply. 

Whippet watched as he was introduced to the dogs. He didn't seem to care about size, although the big ones all seemed eager to jump on him, but he avoided all blonde, shaggy dogs. 

At the end of day, Schneider returned for Elric, "Any problems?" 

Whippet saluted, "No sir, he's currently washing one of the dogs." They watched as Elric was a little too slow with the towel and the dog shook, soaking him again. 

"Aw, come on, Duchess, let me dry you off first! No, not the face! I don't want kisses, keep your tongue to yourself! Ack!" Elric swiped at his mouth.

"He gets on well with the animals, sir." Whippet replied, carefully failing to mention Elric's avoidance of blonde dogs, because Schneider was absolutely petty enough to make an issue of it.

Schneider muttered something about his own kind before saying, "I'll leave him to you for the week, then. Maybe have him in the padded suit for attack practice."

Whippet saluted "Sir." and Schneider left. Whippet was in no way going to put the kid in attack practice. The dogs already knocked him into the tub several times a day. Elric didn't need to add to whatever dog related issues he already had. 

Time to teach the kid about subterfuge.

~

Elric continued to be assigned to the kennels about once a month when he wasn't on assignment. He was heard to loudly complain about having to clean up after the dogs, much to Schneider's poorly concealed joy. 

Major Elric knocked on Sergeant Major Whippet's door. "They sent me over again. I have some souvenirs from down south for you, Archer, and Hotchkiss, and the good dog biscuits for Duchess and Bruce. Any problems with the new round of dogs?"

Whippet looked up, "You were right about Cocoa washing out, he failed the last set of tests. We sent him with one of the scouting units, they can use his nose even if he won't hold for attack." He pulled a bag of candies out of a drawer and set them on the desk, "Your winnings. Still convincing Schneider you hate us?"

Elric traded the box he was holding for the bag. "Yeah, you were right, he just wants me to be miserable if I won't bend for him." He pulled another small bag from his pocket, "Okay if I go look in on training? I want to pass the treats to the handlers." 

Whippet tucked the box away and saluted, "Carry on, Major."

Elric saluted with only a hint of mockery, "Have a good day, Sergeant Major."

**Author's Note:**

> I can hear you asking, where's Al? 
> 
> While Edward was making friends and influencing people in the kitchens, Al discovered the kitchen cats. The queen had recently had kittens, but she was happy to be brought some treats and be petted, even from cold hands. 
> 
> Once in awhile, the chefs will find Elric's brother, still in full armor, sitting behind the service door covered in sleeping cats.


End file.
